There was a certain politician. A religious man, from a faith that while far from unknown, was often misunderstood and even feared. Nonetheless, he earned his party’s nomination and ran for office. The campaigns against him capitalized on those fears, alleging that he would serve a different law than the law of the land. They painted him as “un-American” and from an “alien culture,” opposed to freedom and democracy.

He lost. And as the legend goes, Al Smith then sent a one-word telegram to the Pope reading, “Unpack.”

Smith lost to Herbert Hoover and we know how that turned out. And the fears were unfounded, as they were 32 years later when John F. Kennedy ran, and won.

Our expectations and our fears about others are often baseless and even dangerous.
Isaac tells the locals in Gerar that Rebecca is his sister, not his wife. As with his father, who pulled this trick twice, Isaac assumes that if the…Gerarites? Gerarians? people of Gerar learn that she is his wife, as beautiful as she is, they will kill him and take her away. What Isaac comes to discover, as his father did, is that the Philistines would not have killed him to take away his wife. Quite the opposite, they were horrified that because of his deception, they risked the consequences and guilt of lying with a married woman. Also like his father, Isaac turns this misunderstanding into a windfall, becoming very prosperous and wealthy thanks to the King’s protection. It is possible that among the lessons Isaac learned, he learned how to sell his wife for protection and profit.

Isaac may have learned from Abraham that scheme could result in great wealth, but what if Isaac really thought there was a risk? The Philistines were after all, one of the great enemies in the Torah. If his fear was genuine, then this is a story about the danger caused by assuming only the worst about others.

It is in our nature to make assumptions. The way our minds work is that they will fill in the gaps, they connect data, and they are subject to any number of biases, prejudices, fears, and leaps in logic. We make assumptions all the time: tall people are good at basketball, that person purposely cut you off in traffic, Jews are funny.

We know that people are not so predictable and that our assumptions are frequently wrong. When it is something like that jerk who cut me off, it does not alter our life very much, unless we chase him down, run him off the road and accost him asking, “what’s the hurry that you cut off my car with my kids in it and put us all in danger?!?!” Many of our assumptions are not so benign, though. We see a person with handicap plates step out of their car and we think “how disabled can they be?” We react, even unconsciously, to someone’s appearance: their clothes, their demeanor, or their race. Or like Isaac, we rely on assumptions about a group of people, what they believe, and how they act, putting our relationships at risk and perpetuating dangerous stereotypes.

The results of these assumptions or mistaken beliefs are often catastrophic. History is full of such calamities: mighty armies stopped by enemies thought to be weak, relationships torn apart or destroyed by false beliefs, hubris meeting its match. But how can we know? We do not know who people really are unless we get to know them. We cannot judge an individual based on the actions of a group they may not even be a part of. We cannot benefit from the good in people, when all we assume is the worst.

How do we avoid this? How do we fight our inclination towards assumptions? We do not. Psychologists suggest instead, working on 4 “working assumptions” that help mitigate against our damaging ones.

First: There is no one truth or any absolute truth, but usually two or more truths.
Our tradition tells us that even the angels were not of one opinion. The Angel of Love supported creating humanity because it would be affectionate and loving, while the Angel of Truth opposed it, because we would be full of lies. And the Angel of Justice was in favor of it, because we would practice justice, fearing that we would fight, the Angel of Peace opposed it. (Legends of the Jews 1:2:10) All of those proved to be true and we also know that in our own experiences, two things are often true at the same time.

Second: Everyone is doing the best they can. This is the assumption we take on to counter our tendency to assume the worst in others. In truth, people may be able to do more, but if we assume they are giving all they can, and in some way they certainly are, we can help them do more. Remember, Rabbi Zusya cried not that he failed to live up to Moses’ example, but that he failed to be as good as Zusya could be.

Third: Everyone needs to try harder. While there are many things we are trying our hardest to do, we can always increase our wisdom, our compassion, and our empathy. The author Susan Sontag wrote that “Compassion is an unstable emotion. It needs to be translated into action, or it withers.”

And fourth: Interpret situations in the most benign way possible. This requires us to give everyone, including ourselves, the benefit of the doubt. It keeps us from giving in to our worst imaginings and also gives us the space to investigate and consider. As Shammai used to say, “make your [study of the] Torah a fixed practice; speak little, but do much; and receive all people with a pleasant countenance. (Avot 1:15)

A quotation that originated in the 19th century but that has been attributed to everyone from Philo of Alexandria to Robin William says this: “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.” Indeed, each of us is. And we cannot help each other fight those battles, and will in fact fight against one another as long as we assume the worst. But if we can remain open to the idea that people can surprise us and more of us walk through the world trying to help and be kind people, then perhaps someday our assumptions will generally be right, that goodness is to be expected.