A number of years ago, an American politician made a statement critical of one of our national allies. The head of that country lashed out, appalled that their supposed friend would say something negative. This is completely wrong – when someone you care about offers a criticism or even a loving rebuke, it is precisely because they care about you and want you to do better. This is even more true when it comes to family and the people we love. I also feel the need to point out that this week we read that even God turns to a friend.

The Parasha this week opens with Abraham greeting 3 strangers who approach his and Sarah’s tent. He greets them with great hospitality, they tell Sarah that she is going to have a baby, everyone has a good laugh, and the men leave for the town of Sodom. Before the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, there is a curious scene where God muses about telling Abraham the plan for those cities. Professor Everett Fox notes that “to emphasize the importance of this encounter, the text presents God as thinking out loud.” We are being treated to God’s own thoughts.

“Shall I cover up from Avraham what I am about to do? For Avraham is to become…a nation great and mighty [in number], and all the nations of the earth will find blessing through him.”

It is not just that Abraham is going to be the founder of a great nation and many families. There is a connection and relationship with God. It is for this reason that God takes Abraham into God’s confidence. God says, “כִּי יְדַעְתִּיו” It is that I have known him. יְדַעְתִּיו from Yadah, know; that is how God describes the relationship with Abraham. God knows Abraham. God has a special closeness with him. God knows that destroying a civilization is wrong. Abraham knows this too. And God knows that if Abraham learns of it, Abraham will try to dissuade God from doing it.

That is what friends are for. There are countless voices telling us what to do or what not to do. Sometimes we listen, sometimes we do not. But the voices that are closest to us, often carry more weight and often speak to much more important matters. That is the privilege earned by having a close relationship.

We are not God. We are not world leaders. We do not weather the sort of criticisms and opinions that they do. That does not mean we are free from difficult decisions, from mistakes, or from challenges. If we are wise, we listen to those around us, particularly those closest to us. There is an old adage, “If you’re dumb, surround yourself with smart people. If you’re smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you.” We cannot believe that every remark, every criticism, every bit of judgment that comes our way is worth listening to. But if we cannot trust the people closest to us to give us useful and true advice, who can we trust? At the same time, if all we offer is cheap flattery and mindless assent, we are nothing more than yes-men, which seldom helps create positive outcomes.

It goes the other way, too. As the great philosopher Samuel Powers once remarked, “if you can’t be an idiot with your friends, who can you be an idiot with?” We give friends and family the benefit of the doubt and can be silly or foolish with them in ways we cannot with strangers or colleagues. We need that, as much as we need people who will lovingly tell it to us straight, we also need people who will let us be ourselves. The two go hand-in-hand – sometimes our silliness or carelessness leads to folly and when it does, we benefit from those around us setting us straight.

In the Torah, kindness and truth often come together, but kindness comes first. Adonai, adonai, el rachum v’chanun, erech apayim, rav chesed v’emet. Those are the attributes of God. God is רב־חֶ֥סֶד וֶאֱמֶֽת full of kindness and truth. Who does God talk to though? How does God demonstrate those values? There are angels, but they do not have much in the way of free will. Abraham was different. Rabbi Norman Hirsh wrote a simple poem about their relationship:
God waited
Forty thousand years
For His friend,
For Abraham.

God may not talk to us like Abraham, but their conversation is a model for us. We do have people to talk to. We are fortunate that way. Honesty can be hard to take, but the truths that we have to tell, that benefit the listener, are important to share because we care for them and we are wise to hear what difficult truths have for us. Lashon hara is not simply gossip or falsehoods we tell about one another, but true things that we do not need to share. Let us do our utmost to share what needs to be shared, with kindness and love to those close to us. And when we are given difficult words of truth by those we care about, may we have the love and understanding to hear them.