In 2024, someone posted on social media a question for women: “Would you rather be stuck alone in the woods with a strange man or a bear?” Overwhelmingly, the women who responded, chose the bear. An estimated 180 fatal bear attacks have happened in North America since 1784. Right now in the United States, it is estimated that every day, three women are murdered by men in the United States.

Unfortunately, this is not new. While the use of TikTok to highlight how dangerous men are and how much it impacts women is a recent phenomenon, we see women choosing one danger over another, in many ancient texts, including our Torah portion today. Abraham’s servant goes to Canaan in search of a bride for Isaac. He meets Rebecca and she brings him home to her mother and her brother Laban. They negotiate and discuss the arrangement and while the servant is insistent that he and Rebecca leave immediately so he can finish his task, Laban and his mother want Rebecca to stay for 10 more days.

Then a remarkable thing happens: Laban and his mother offer Rebecca the opportunity to decide. Without hesitation, she says, “I will go.” And she does. Along with her nurse, she escapes.

The Women’s Torah commentary draws our attention to another journey, that of Abraham when he left his father’s house. Like Abraham, leaving home and venturing into uncertainty, Rebecca is going out of her home and will do her part for the “fulfillment of national destiny” by being a mother. What separates the two is that while we laud Abraham for his bravery in leaving all that he knows behind, we do not do the same for Rebecca. She leaves her home and her land, just like Abraham, but has none of the autonomy, resources, or freedom that he does as a man.

She is to be lauded for her bravery. It is never easy to leave, even when the conditions are not good. Which brings us back to the bear. She is not choosing the bear, she is choosing the man. We will find that Isaac is gentle and loving, but she has no way of knowing that. What she does know is that her home is not safe. Laban is abusive, controlling, and dangerous. So dangerous that she will not even wait one more day before leaving with a total stranger, to marry a man she has never met in a place far away.

Rabbi Eliezer B. Diamond (z’’l) saw a subtle but telling detail in Rebecca’s answer. She said, “elekh” (אלך), “I will go.” There are other instances of this response, but they are accompanied by a polite word or two. As Rebecca says it, it is not “if it pleases you, I will go,” but “a straightforward expression of intent: ‘I will be going.’”

Many abusers make it exceedingly difficult for people to leave. Or they believe that no one would dare go. Laban may have felt the same way. He might have thought she would never agree to leave. Some of the commentaries suggest that Laban hoped Rebecca would say no, so he could demand a higher bride price for his sister. Those possibilities show us the range of the abuse. Either Laban knew exactly how much he was doing to people and continued to push for his own gain, or he had no idea how hurtful he was.

I do not think that a strongly worded sermon will stop people from purposely hurting one another. They know that it is wrong, they do it, and no amount of shaming or recriminations from a rabbi on a bimah will do much to change them. The others though, are hurting people and may have no idea. Indeed, the backlash to the “man or bear” question came both from defiant abusers and misogynists and from well-meaning men who put their own hurt at being called out on abusive behavior above the hurt their abuse caused.

Laban never learns. He swaps his daughters to dupe his son-in-law Jacob. He then spends years trying to get the best of him. According to one midrash, his father was the same. He tried to poison Abraham’s servant so he could steal his money, but an angel switched the food and Laban’s father ate the poison instead. Even Rebecca picked up some of this behavior. Although Rebecca was never a victim again, she helped cheat her son and con her blind husband. The story goes on continually. Such things continue to this day, which is why our awareness of them and our willingness to act is so important.

Make no mistake: Rebecca is the strongest one in this story. She speaks up when given the chance. She makes her escape. She saves her own life. I hope that anyone in her situation can find similar courage.

The other acts of strength, albeit smaller, are not in the story. Those are the acts by everyone else to hear when people are telling us that we are hurting them. To listen when people ask for help. To put aside our own shame or embarrassment. To change our behavior, to make amends.

Rebecca did not have to choose between a bear or a random man, although she might have preferred the bear too. What she did choose between was leaving her whole life behind and a manipulative, conniving, abusive brother. Countless people are still making that choice today. Most of them are not given a stranger who takes them away and brings them to safety. But we can take them. Most of them are not given a voice. But we can give them one. We have voices too, and the first thing we can say is that we are here to help, as are many others out there.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7
1-800-799(SAFE)7233 or text START to 88788